The Fat Bastard

This in honor of the fattest piece of crap cat I have, Gizzy, aka: Fat Bastard. Gizzy was the first cat to come into our lives after moving in together. Cat (my wife) had another cat that she had retained from her childhood that hated me, so in my logical (retarded) thinking, I decided to bring home a little orange furball that I found at work when we lived in SC. Gizzy was sweet little kitten, loving, full of life and spunk; he would curl up in my lap after work each night. As Gizzy grew up he, turned into quite the mammas boy, to my disappointment. George (Cat's earlier cat) had been sent back to Ga. due to hating me with a depth that is not easily described. That's for a different story on another day!

Cat (my wife), threw all her attention towards Gizzy in the face of loosing George back to her parents (me or the cat). Gizzy thrived on the attention. During this time, we had moved back to Atlanta and Gizzy began to dislike me. Now I'm the first to admit that I was slow to come around on cats, but the worst thing I ever did to Gizzy was harass him. Maybe put some cling wrap on his paws for shits and giggles, but that's it. Gizzy, in his infinitely moody ways, began peeing on my stuff while we were living in a hotel, waiting for an apartment to become available. Worst thing, he was just coming of age and had not been snipped. Gortex jacket: $250, 40 degree sleeping bag $75, the smell of tom cat piss 10 years later camping on a rainy night, priceless.

This was really the beginning of my love-hate relationship with Gizzy Monster (mostly hate). This cat has the innate ability to drive me crazy, it's like he has some path into my psyche and knows how to push me. Cat (my wife) tolerates some of the strangest things from him. I think she mistakes his abuse as love! If he's hungry when she's sleeping, he'll lightly bite her cheeks and claw her hair. She thinks it's cute, he tried that crap with me one time....... Lately he has been in the habit of crawling onto the table between where Cat and I sit so he's in the middle of everything. When he's hungry and we're up, he'll waddle through the house screaming and alternately slapping any other cat or dog that happens to cross him.
Did I fail to mention that Gizzy weighs something like 22lbs. and tells Adiucus and the other three cats what's up in the house. He is king shit. We clash heads because I won't bow to him, he makes me CRAZY!!! At this moment, he is sitting on the table staring at me, probably debating on trying to come over here. That's the weird thing, lately, he's tryin to be mister nice guy. Everywhere I go, he follows me when I'm around the house and the workin in the yard. I know he knows it drives me mad when he walks through the garden, or beats on the shower door while I take a shower. Takin that mornin moment..... there's Gizzy.
I guess lately he's been really wearin on me. Between 4 cats (2 of which are obscenely large) and a GSD, we're at total biomass in our little house. Everyone else is pretty chill, except for Gizzy and occasionally Scooter, who is known to drag in the random wild animal from time to time. But really, it's like no matter what I do, there's Gizzy. Sometimes he nice, sometimes he's not so nice. Kinda like a hurricane, you never know what's going to happen when he walks into the room. When he's being foul, everyone takes notice, even the dog. Gizzy plays no favorites, except for Cat (my wife).

So this is my rant about Gizzy Monster, the fat bastard, shithead, and myriad of other names developed in angst ridden moments over the years. This is by far my wife's favorite cat, although she says she just loves them all differently, but I've seen her cater to him for over 10 years, I know what's up. I can still remember the look on his face the day we brought home Ivan, our obscenely fat Russian Blue. You could see his jaw hit the floor before he regained composure and started growling. When he met Adicus, he slapped him around a few times. Adicus learned that despite looking soft and fun, cats were sharp and pointy!

Despite my writings, I can remember being very concerned for him as we waited at the Emergency Vet ($$$$$$), because of crystals in his urinary tract that were causing him to pee blood. Poor turd. So as I said before, it's a love hate relationship. On most days he drives me nuts, but occasionally, he'll look up at me with those golden eyes and you can see something almost like love, but not really, because Gizzy feels no Love! Except for Cat (my wife), of course! Sorry about all the (my wife) stuff. Me calling her Cat, and her loving cats the way she does, things can get downright confusing. I've always said that if something happened to me, she would turn into the crazy cat lady on the corner that had something like 100 cats.

Well, I gotta go. Gizzy just waddled through crying for dinner. A final thought: Thank God cats don't have pockets or thumbs, they would probably rule the world!