It's Good To Be King

Cat and I have been leaving the idiot box off more often lately and just turning the CD player on while we do things around the house, chill, whatever. I've been on a total 311 binge with the release of the knew CD, but a good measure of other music that we've listened to for seems to have been forever. Interesting how some CD's seem to occupy certain phases of my life, meaning one thing at one time, something else at another.

I've been listening to Tom Petty's WIldflowers CD on and off for the past two weeks. After years of lying dormant in a CD case, I'm remembering why I love that CD so much. In my opinion, Tom Petty may possibly be the greatest songwriter of our generation. A lot of his music speaks to me on a personal level, different songs having different meanings to me. I love the while CD, but some of the standouts have always been: Wildflowers (this song is a amazing), Time to Get Goin (Life song, has always meant something to me), Only a Broken Heart (sigh.... such a great song), To Find a Friend ( I don't know, but I have always loved this song), Crawling Back to You ( another great song), Wake Up Time ( epiphany song for me).

These are probably some of my favorite songs to reflect about things to, chill to, and listen to on a road trip. There is just something about his music that pulls me deeper into myself. I left one song out, one of my absolute favorite songs in the world. When I'm feeling down or even whimsical, I love to listen to it. It has the abilty to lift me up on a crappy day and even improve one that wasn't too shabby to start with. It reminds me that we all have places that we go in our heads. I'm a dreamer, so the song has a stong appeal to me.

It's Good to be King

Its good to be king, if just for a while
To be there in velvet, yeah, to give em a smile
Its good to get high, and never come down
Its good to be king of your own little town

Yeah the world would swing if I were king
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

Its good to be king and have your own way
Get a feeling of peace at the end of the day
And when your bulldog barks and your canary sings
Youre out there with winners, its good to be king

Yeah, Ill be king when dogs have wings
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

Its good to be king and have your own world
It helps to make friends, its good to meet girls
A sweet little queen, who cant run away
Its good to be king, whatever it pays

Excuse me if I have some place in my mind
Where I go time to time

Hit the water today in hopes of getting out of the house for a bit and catching some decent fish on the full moon. Fishing is what I did, bit catching was not really in the cards today. If I had hooked 1/4 of the fish I made contact with today, it would have been a spectacular Sunday. My timing was off, the fish were being funky, and I couldn't seem to keep them on the hook when I did poke one. It was like I couldn't quit get into that zone. The one where my sixth sense develops and I know a fish is gonna take the fly before I even see them. I just couldn't get there, everything seemed to be a struggle. Moving through the water, keeping droppers untangled, and staying out of the trees.

I spent a lot of the afternoon just enjoying being where I was, which is a good thing, seeing as the fish weren't co-operating. Earlier in life when having a day like today, I would become more focused and driven, trying to figure out what was going on and beating the hell out of the water, usually with negligible results. Today I just kinda ambled around some, casting now and then to likely spots, catching (missing) the occasional fish, but really soaking in my surroundings. The warm wind blowing downstream, enveloping me in the sticky smell of honey suckle blooming on the hill above me. Feeling the coolness of the water on my legs, while the sun beats down on my neck and fore arms, marveling at the beauty of a square tailed hawk as it silently glides through the forest canopy, majestic in all it's movements. Staring amazed at the whip like blooms of the galax waving in the wind like a fields of wheat.

Times like these make me contemplate life and all it's meanings and complexities. Our purpose and being, where we belong and what we do. I find a soothing simplicity to it all when I'm standing in the middle of stream, feeling it's power coursing around me. Strong enough to wear down rock, but yielding enough to give to my presence, if only for a fleeting moment. Streams are the places I go to to turn off, go into auto pilot. Sometimes they have the exact opposite effect, forcing me to recognize the unbelievable intricacy and purpose of life around me. Drawing me to find my purpose and place, my meaning for existence. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at the answer, but I can't focus on it, like it's a note written in a language I don't understand. Painfully close, but still so far away. Far enough that it ceases to matter sometimes, for the very nearness of it makes me want to tear my hair out.

Every once in awhile, I get a clear glimpse of that answer. Never enough to see it in its entirety, but enough to re orientate myself back to true North. I sat for a bit, just watching the creek flow past me while gazing at a laurel bush in full bloom, contemplating, searching. I'd like to say that I found an answer while surrounded my so much inspiration and beauty, but it didn't come. Just that warm breeze, full of the sticky sweet smell of honey suckle.

Goodbye, Dear Friend

I really don't know how to write this as I sit here crying, very upset, alone. I need to vent, make some sense of this, get it out of me, and say goodbye. Please bear with me, things will most definately get weird, But I don't know what else to do.

I was awaken from an afternoon nap yesterday to the sound of a very animated voice. Eventually I rolled out of the bed and asked Cat what was up in a very casual way. She looked at me and uttered, "Mark is dead". What? What are you talking about? How can Mark be dead? From what I know at this moment, he rear ended a car on his motorcycle and died at the scene.

Mark is Cat's sister's long term boyfriend, they had been together for about 7 years, living together for much of it. Mark was Sara's first serious boyfriend, with discussions of marriage every now and then. Sara woke up from a nap yesterday expecting to find Mark at home, when he wasn't, she went out to see if he was still at work. On the way, she came across the accident scene and saw someone laying under a sheet and then saw his bike. I cannot fathom the pain she feels right now, I hope I never do.

Mark helped Cat and I move on several occasions, which was the begging of our friendship. After we had moved to Asheville, Mark and Sara started coming to visit regularly and I started to teach him how to fish. I've spent a weeks vacation with him on separate occasions, so despite being 200 miles away, we were fairly close to each other. One of the few people I could call a true friend in the world. I am devastated right now.

The actual news didn't hit me that hard last night. Now that Cat's away with her sister and I have had some time to digest it, I'm still having a hard time grasping this. Mark was 26, in the prime of his life. He was one of the few people I've met that could keep up with me in the water. And now he's gone, forever. I'll never see him smile when he catches a nice fish, rib me while beating the hell out of me at a random video game, or hang out by a fire and talk about absolutely nothing. Nobody to talk to about how crazy those damn Esch women are or to plan camping trips with behind their backs.

This is bringing up a lot of different emotions in me, the pure pain of losing a close friend, to the humbling knowledge that Sara just lost the person she cares about most in the world. I don't know that I could function if one day Cat just wasn't there anymore. The thought alone upsets me a great deal right now. More so the thought that I die unexpectedly and she's the one left to deal with it. Life is so fragile.

Thankfully, I have not had to deal with death a lot in recent past. This might possibly the first person close to me that I've had die unexpectedly . My emotions are in a whirlwind, ranging from wishing I could do more for Sara to thinking I need to sell my bike. Nothing makes sense, I'm very disoriented right now. For all my and Cat's readers, we need your prayers and support right now, particularly Sara. She has a very difficult road to travel and may choose to do it alone. We live in NC, her parents live in Mi, we want her to come here for a while, but it's way too soon to even bring up. She told Cat that she expects him to walk through the door any minute, what do you even begin to say to that?

I will always miss you Mark, we will always be brothers even if we really weren't. I will think of you every time I fish our section of the Pigeon and promise to do my best to take care of Sara until things are better for her. You were a great person and will be missed. I'll never forget the moves, camping, Mexico Beach, staying up way too late playing video games, all of it. You were one of the few true friends I've ever had and will remember you as you are in this photo, smilin with a thumbs up. All of this is being written with tears streaming down my face, as I'm coming to the realization that I will never see you again. I will never forget the good times we had together. I love you and will miss you dearly.

Feeling Lost

Cat has left to be with her family after the loss of her Grandma. I never really spent much time with that side of her family due to "issues", but I did get to meet Grandma Lizz on a few occasions. And she was a wonderful person that is exactly where she wanted to be, in the hands of God.

Because of work, I stayed home. I should be in bed, as I have to be in at 6 tomorrow morning, but I never sleep well when Cat and I are away from each other. It's almost like I wander around lost when we are separated for one reason or another. I wish she were home. I know she is needed elsewhere by people that are important to both of us, but I can not help but be selfish about her. I can share, but not from a distance.

So, here's to three of four days of wandering around lost, not eating, not sleeping; in general, being miserable without the person who means the most to me in the world. She's been gone for 9 hours and I'm already out of sorts, this sucks! I'm trying not to be a big boy, but she is why I exist! Spring rains have showed up and trapped me in the house all day, which only made it worse. We so would have had a rainy day nap today! I miss you Wookie!

When Worlds Collide

It sometimes amazes me that Cat and I can live together. I mean, it's like we're from different planets or something. Don't get me wrong, we have many things in common, but when it comes to personal taste, it's like we tried to find someone as opposite from each other as possible.

Let's take music for example. On any given day, I'll hear Cat pull up in the driveway with her stereo blaring Cindey Lauper, Madonna, cheesy love songs, or basically anything from the early eighties. Music only in the most literal sense, in my opinion. Over the years, I've been able to foster a love in her for 311 and there are a few other bands that she'll listen to that don't make me want to vomit. Right now I'm trying to get her into Incubus, but she's still a little hesitant about them. I on the other hand listen to a lot of metal (i.e. old Metallica, G-N-R, Foo Fighters), Alternative, bluegrass, Some classical, and for the big shocker... Gordon Lightfoot! He's the man! The first time she heard me listening to one of his cd's, I was mocked, ridiculed, and laughed at by my love that has such good taste in music. Within two years, she was making hotel reservations for us in D.C. to see him live at Wolf Trap Arena.
Canadian Railroad Trilogy is one of the most bitchin songs ever!

Another area of contention in our life is what we watch on TV. I'll admit, I'm one of the biggest TV nerds you will find. If we only got the Science Channel, Discovery, the History channel, History International, and the Food Network, it wouldn't phase me one bit. Cat on the other hand is a reality TV junkie. Anything from Dr Phil to Big Brother, and any other reality crap that catches her attention. Much to my disdain, it's should be about time to suffer through yet another season of Big Brother. : ( When she's not watching reality shows, you can find her vegging out on the couch watching other great shows such as Wings, the Golden Girls, or some distrurbing man hating movie on Lifetime channel. Needless to say, we argue over whats in the TV. To my distress, there are even a few shows I hate that she WILL NOT watch without me, because she loves my constant bantering at the TV.

So what will we watch together? Lost, Hell's Kitchen, Scrubs, Anthony Bourdain, to list a few, if not most. MASH ends up on the tube a lot around here, despite Cat owning the box set, of which she's watched every episode, in order. But we still watch a lot of MASH. A little secret, if Allen Alda wasn't all old and liver spotted, Cat would jump on him in a heart beat! I guess it's a good the she finds skinny, dark haired, smart asses so attractive!

So, what's the moral to this story? Differences create interest, diversity, and constantly causes us to push the boundaries of our comfort zones. Cat is a very dramatic, organized, goal oriented type of woman. I'm a very rational, spontaneous, let fate happen kind of guy. On most "big" issues we agree, but after that, all bets are off. Because of our differences, we are much more willing to do things we normally would not try, try different foods, and listen to different opinions. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Congratulations are in order for Cat on her 2 year "blogaversary" for her blog CatTails. While I did't think it was the greatest idea to uncap the crazy online, you've found an outlet for your thoughts (no matter how distressing) and an audience appreciates your unique perspective of the world around you. You Rock!

I Have A Sickness

I absolutely can not go into a fly shop without spending more money than was allotted to me by she that must be obeyed. To be obeyed except when I'm in a fly shop. :) I sure to be chewed about it later, but ya know.

So, I was supposed to spend like $10 bucks in Hunter Banks, which is just an absurd amount. I ended up spending $20 instead. Not too bad, in my opinion, but more than I was supposed to. So what did I acquire with my ill gotten gains? Some moose body hair, much needed brass beads, mallard flanks, grouse feathers, and some wader repair. Some of my most used ingredients for my favorite flies. Springs comin and I haven't tied hardly any flies, so it's time to get busy in the evenings!

It's convenient that I only fish maybe a dozen different patterns in about 3 or 4 sizes. I have leftovers from last year (yeah! no lost flybox this year!), so only my most used flies need to be replenished. Still some work to be done, but nothing like two years ago when I lost my main box and "had" to retie over 250 flies. Loosing that box still makes me want to vomit!

Another sickness is that I can't seem to ever throw away old fishing stuff. Occasionally, I find a use for something, a spare part for another, blah, blah, blah. This does nothing but further feed the beast. Today, I'm going to bring a old pair of waders back to life. Hence the purchase of the wader repair! So old becomes new... hopefully. The needed repairs will be attempted sometime this week, if not tonight. I'm sure updates will follow.

We'll, it's a little past 5, so it's almost time to start dinner and await the arrival of Cat. Hopefully she won't be too mad at me. I sure didn't get Clinique Bonus week!